The importance of early internalized parental and other childhood experiences and interactions should not be underestimated in terms of their impact on the development of adult perceptions of the world and accompanying relationships. These experiences seem to become biologically ingrained in our psyche; and depending on their resolution, are constantly re-activated when related experiences occur during the course of our lives. We tend to respond as adults to emotional and interpersonal situations the way our parents and caregivers taught us to respond as children — which is generally the way they were taught to respond, etc., etc. Thus, if a caregiver responds to particular situations with anxiety and reactivity — that is probably how we will learn to respond to similar situations. We tend to take that emotional inclination, which over time, becomes a part of our personality, into each similar emotional experience, and respond accordingly, at least until we consciously and actively intercede in this process. When one combines this/these collective attitudes with any chemical or biological predispositions, such as depression or other psychiatric symptoms, then a particular but complex pattern of behaviors will likely emerge, unless addressed.
We bring our “clusters of responses” into each of our relationships. Depending on our childhood experiences, these responses either serve us — i.e., contribute to the quality and health of our relationships — or they don’t, and there is variance from situation to situation, depending on the situational dynamics. Behavioral patterns which are unhealthy and destructive tend to mirror those that were unhealthy and destructive in the family of origin. Frequent areas where this potentially destructive legacy tends to “carry over” include the following:
- Intimate relationships — how we engage in them, including behavior, reciprocity of emotions and communication, and capacity to experience and tolerate vulnerability
- The extent in which we cultivate a “normal” capacity for cultivating and maintaining friendships
- Our perceived ability to perform intellectually/academically/vocationally — the belief that “I can” or “I cannot.” This refers to developing a sense of “professional mastery.”
- Parenting style — It seems to be in this domain, perhaps unfortunately, that our early childhood adaptations tend most likely to be re-enacted. But by exercising consciousness and motivation and having a supportive partner, we are offered a significant opportunity to disrupt negative habituated emotional responses.
How Do Perceptions Form?
The child is entirely emotionally and physiologically vulnerable to the people who serve as parental roles. His experiences of the world are initially limited to how those people behave and interact with each other and toward him. He learns to make sense of the world — to migrate through it, based on how his caretakers do it. If they do it calmly, compassionately and patiently, then the child learns to manage experience with those qualities. Similarly, if the role persons themselves are in “survival” mode, then the child will perceive life experiences and approach them with a sense of uncertain urgency. This stance creates confusion in the developing and emotionally vulnerable child, as well as the propensity for depression and helplessness, where, while the person may not grow up “clinically” depressed, he grows up perceiving life and the world as a series of stressful challenges to overcome or “get through.”
Steps Toward Rebuilding
There are many opportunities and methods for people with less-than-perfect childhoods to enjoy satisfying relationships with themselves, others and the world. A key to accomplishing the above is staying awake and mindful, taking care of the body, and paying attention and noticing our feelings and interactions with others: consistently utilizing the natural skills that we have in a disciplined way. Practicing these activities is like exercising regularly without striving to be a professional athlete. Exercise is possible and useful regardless of one’s physical or emotional condition, as long as it is performed consistently and across all spheres.
Obviously, it is in our best interest to systematically overcome the dysfunctional, counterproductive behaviors and responses that we learned in childhood. Even the most severely depressed individual has moments in which he is buoyed by positive experiences and perceptions of hopefulness. This is what we seek to build momentum and gain traction in therapy. In therapy, processes can be established and tasks can be identified to identify areas of intervention, including activities to practice both within and outside the therapy session. In this regard, as suggested previously, the therapist serves as a “trainer” or “coach,” helping the client to grow, change and heal. Even those on death row (who are guilty!) have demonstrated a capacity and desire for the sort of self-reflection that enables them to transcend their past.
Effective therapy should help the client tap into a desire to grow; to liberate oneself of the limitations and “automatic responses” that one continually repeats, and that impact the quality of the person’s relationships, including, and perhaps especially, the relationships with the self. That is the point in which the client decides to enter psychological training. The next step is the development of the “training program” between the client and the therapist. It is then up to the client to train consistently. In my experience, when that takes place, progress occurs.
