Generally speaking, our communication style evolves from that of our parents or primary caregivers. Patterns of communication tend to be learned early and “habituated” over time. A person will most likely communicate with others in the manner that she saw her parents using. And our communication style is inextricably linked with our methods of managing our emotions, such as anxiety, fear, anger and love. In some families, feelings of love are demonstrated freely and easily. In others, the expression of such feelings is difficult and unsanctioned. Unless interrupted, styles of communication are passed along to future generations. Dysfunctional or unproductive communication patterns tend to emerge most dramatically in intimate relationships in which we are emotionally vulnerable. Being vulnerable places our sense of trust on the line, which elevates our level of fear. For people coming from families where trust was never sufficiently established, managing (and enjoying) an intimate relationship is very difficult due to the vulnerability involved, and the discomfort and perception of the “unsafety” with that emotion. If someone learns early that being vulnerable with one’s inner feelings is unsafe — that is, violated, abused or ignored — then that person may learn to associate being vulnerable with those consequences, causing the person to “shut down” or act out.”
Many people have difficulty recognizing their feelings, and even more trouble articulating them appropriately. While this phenomenon is most prominent in individuals who have been victims of trauma, many people have never learned to understand exactly how they feel, and thus they “act out” by exhibiting anger, fear, and anxiety. Acting out is a defense against feeling vulnerable and thus needing to be susceptible to such rejection or even attack — which may have been a very real event for people as they grew up. Being “out of touch” and acting out defensive feelings of anger, fear and anxiety clearly serves to limit and conflict with the development and nurturance of a healthy and intimate relationship. This is why most couples seeking counseling have poor or inconsistent communication patterns: they are usually struggling to identify their feelings, and are typically acting them out. These behaviors drive a wedge through the couple and inhibit intimacy and wholeness.
When I first see a couple, they usually have a “presenting issue,” such as persistent arguing, infrequent sex, problems with money, even though enough is being earned. When I listen to the identified problem, I look beyond the stated issue and examine the quality of the communication: Are these people being completely honest with each other? How well are they listening to each other? Are they able to rely on each other for help and support? How much do they trust each other? Is there anything that they are thinking but not saying? How respectful are they being toward each other? What is their body posture, their eye contact? Who is making the accusations and, if applicable, who is being the victim? Were any of these themes present in previous relationships? Is there any substance abuse?
These are the things that I look for (and ask about) as I endeavor to help people bring their relationship to a place of wholeness. Generally, I will quickly make note of various patterns that are not useful, and once the couple is able to see these patterns after being identified, I will provide tasks for them to work on outside of the session that are designed to improve the communication between them. Sometimes things break down along the way, or new problems emerge as the couple gets closer to the truth. When this happens, it’s important to switch gears and be flexible about goals.
I find that working with couples helps the people in the relationship recognize their feelings and articulate them more effectively than when I work with people as individuals. It allows me to see in “real time” how a person manages and communicates with an important other, and that offers me the opportunity to make incisive interventions and recommend tasks for the person to practice. Unlearning established, if not dysfunctional, interpersonal patterns is challenging and requires perseverance and commitment. It also requires discipline and motivation. At this time a person needs to give up certain behaviors and acquire new ones. However, I have found that one of life’s great joys is one’s ability to experience trust and intimacy with those we love. Having love does not in itself make things easier, but it does provide a reason to do the work.
