What is required for us to reach our potential and achieve our goals? Why do past experiences affect our behavior and actions in the present? What role does our genetic makeup play in shaping our responses to situations day to day?
And what are your strategies for incorporating the answers to these questions into your life on an ongoing basis?
It would probably be overly simplistic to say that of the above, the only question that truly matters is the last one. Nonetheless, I don’t recommend spending too much time working on the “why’s”; I find that we get more results when we focus on the “hows.” But psychotherapists are not usually life coaches, and alas, life coaches are not generally good psychotherapists. Somehow we need to reach a balance that integrates what we learn about ourselves emotionally with what we practice experientially in order to make changes in our lives. Achieving this balance is the key to reaching our potential; but it’s not all about what you know, it’s also about what you do. Here’s what I mean:
We are all limited in some ways; some of us more so than others. If you have a chemical imbalance that causes you to lose your temper easily, then talking about that problem with a therapist will only get you so far. Most likely, you will need medications to stabilize those neurons that are misfiring. Don’t get me wrong, the therapy is important — you need to learn to adapt to your “new” physiology; and to adjust to the person you’re trying to become now that your chemistry is aligned.
Similarly, if you’re wired “normally” but were, say, abused horribly as a child, you’re going to need help developing, maintaining, and enjoying intimate relationships. This is because the natural response to being abused is to not trust. It’s a safe way to survive when you’ve been burned. The only problem with that stance is that your life will be unfulfilled in the intimacy department. So you have to change the foundation of how your entire being responds to intimacy. You need to reprogram yourself so that instead of recoiling from intimacy (again and again) you can experience it with pleasure, or as some say, “embrace” it. That is a transition that takes practice and requires a plan. It’s not just about talking. Developing and implementing such plans is key to being successful in creating permanent change in our lives.
Ok, so now you ask, “What’s the plan”? In a nutshell, this is what Life at Balance is all about: Sure, it can be about getting counseling, taking medications, going to seminars (reading self help websites!). But it’s also about other, perhaps less glamorous activities: taking care of your body, exercising regularly, keeping your head clear and free of toxic substances, dedicating time every day to checking in with yourself to see where you’re at in terms of meeting your goals. It’s about choosing to respond differently in situations where your previous response hasn’t been particularly effective. In short, it’s about paying attention all the time — and doing that requires a lot of work and a lot of support.
My work is to help clients get their answers to those first three questions at the top of this article. Sensitive and compassionate exploration of feelings and emotions in a safe environment is key to accomplishing this aspect of change, but it’s not all of it. The next step is to work collaboratively to develop a practical strategy to fill in or compensate for what’s missing, depending on an individual’s particular issues. This is an active process, and the actual work is done outside of the therapy office. This work may well entail changing aspects of an individual’s lifestyle, including some of their values — for those who want it bad enough. Be aware that this kind of change doesn’t happen overnight without practice and attention and perseverance. Besides requiring courage and commitment, it also requires discipline and strength, which most people possess, but need help tapping into consistently. Most people need help maintaining their course once they figure out their answers to those questions. Since you can’t do one without the other, I try to help people with both tasks, and I invite you to try, too.
